


Angsty drabbles

by dashingswan



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-04-23 12:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4877446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dashingswan/pseuds/dashingswan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a series of angsty CS mini fics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a lonely little girl, with a smile bright enough to shine a galaxy. But it was rare, that smile of hers. That’s probably what happens when you spend your life feeling unwanted - thinking you’ll never be chosen, constantly being abbandoned - convinced you’re not good enough or that you ever will be and having hope ripped away from you the second you gained it over and over again. But worst of all, she got used to it. She got used to all the horrible things always happening to her. So she put her walls up, and didn’t allow anyone see the beauty that she hid underneath them.

Once upon a time there was a sad little boy, with a heart big enough to love even those who may never love him back. But it was broken, that heart of his. Bruised by life. Trampled by people in it. He once had a loving mother who he barely remembers now. A brother he was willing to follow wherever he’d take him. A father whom he’d rather not talk about. And a lover who took her last breath in his arms. So he put his walls up as well, surrounded his heart with armor and started a lonely life on a path of revenge. It was easier to let people see you as a monster then allow yourself to be vulnerable again.

Once upon a time a girl found a boy hiding beneath a pile of dead bodies. She glanced at him, brows narrowed, and he felt like a glimpse of the brightest light touched him. But quickly, he made a mistake - he tried to lie to her, and a person can be lied to only so many times before they learn to recognize the tremble lips make when they’re not telling the truth. She pressed a dagger to his throat and he learned not to test her like that again. Quite soon, they found themselves climbing a beanstalk together. And hell of a long climb that it was - full of passion, comfort, laughter, and gentleness. 

He got to know to her, to know what made her smile and what made her frown, what made her angry and what made her cheerful. He knew when to hug her and when to press a kiss on her lips, knew excatly how to caress her skin and send sparks through her body and knew how the wipe away the tears from her face. He knew just how to make her feel wanted. He knew how to love her.  
She got to know to him too. Learned how to comfort and reassure him, when to grip his waist and pull him close just to lure out that stupid grin on his face. She learned how to make him laugh and to make him feel peaceful. She found a way to heal old wounds imprinted in his heart that was just as big as before. She knew how to love him.

Once upon a time the boy and the girl shared the same fear - losing each other.

Once upon a time, not so long ago, that is excatly what happened.


	2. This isn't her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is referring to Emma as the Dark One trying to seduce Killian.

This isn’t her.

Her knuckles used to leave a different imprint on his skin when she would usually grab him like this. The lapels of his jacket used to fit differently in her hand. Softly and carefully. Now her grip felt rough and cold. Unrecognizable.

This isn’t her.

The soft breath of hers that would usually dance gently on the skin of his cheek now felt like a freezing breeze during the coldest winter. Almost frightening.

This isn’t her.

Despite her lips looking just as tempting as before, the smile they made was chilling. The way her teeth slowly grazed the soft skin of theirs before she pulled closer to him, brushing his nose, felt unnatural.

This isn’t her.

He repeated to himself. Her touch shouldn’t feel so crippling and lifeless. Her smile shouldn’t look so insincere and mirthless. Her voice shouldn’t sound so deep and dark. Her presence shouldn’t feel so strange.

“This isn’t you” he finally said, tears slowly filling the corners of his eyes “Emma, please, come back to me. I miss you love.”

Emma raised her eyebrow, face suddenly overwhelmed with what was to him a terrifying expression. Her fists roughly let go of his jacket and she pulled away saying

“Too bad. Because this is who I am now.”

She turned around and walked away with a quick pace leaving him alone in the alley, still uncertain of what just happened. 

This isn’t her.

He continued saying. Perhaps if he said it enough times, the present would change and it would become true.


	3. I loved you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one I've written later, also my favourite one, but I will write more when I get the inspiration.

I loved you. I loved you since you stilled your gaze on my face, the shine from your beautiful face equating to the one between the stars. It was lust I felt. Desire. Unbreakable feeling of wanting you more then I ever wanted anyone.

I loved you since you said you understood me. A lost girl always recognizes a lost boy, right? That was the first time I saw a bit of myself in someone. It was curiosity I felt. I knew I wanted to know who or what broke you like this.

I loved you since you grabbed the lapels of my coat and pressed your lips against mine. I still smile at the memory of the way my hand got tangled in your hair, and the way you took a short needy breath before kissing me once more. It was pleasure I felt. A bit of lust. A bit of warmth.

I loved you since I told you you were the reason I was able to let go of a part of my past. It was vulnerability I felt. Followed by a crippling doubt that you’ll never be able to allow yourself to let go of yours.

I loved you since I thought I lost you for the first time. The last I thought I’d see of you were the tears on your face. They broke me. Along with the fear I felt. Fear of the possibility I’ll truly never see you again. Impaling feeling that was slowly crushing me.

I loved you since I found you again. I saw you for the first time after a year and the look you gave me was full of emptiness. I still can’t quite describe that feeling, love… Something between the usual longing after the little smiles or all those stolen glances you used to give me and plain despair. I missed you so much. 

I loved you since you gave up your magic to save my life. I could never excpect any less of you, but you know I would’ve been happy to die if it meant you and your family staying safe and alive. It was guilt I felt. Guilt of me costing you a big part of your life. (Unaware that I was one too.)

I loved you since I wiped away the tears from your face after you finally realized where your home was. It was happiness I felt. Happiness that once a lost girl wasn’t lost anymore.

I loved you since you told me you couldn’t lose me. It was pain I felt. Your pain. You’ve lost so much already and it broke me to realize just how much it terrified you. (Despite my smile, I was terrified as well. And not for myself.)

I loved you since you said you’ll always choose to see the best in me. And after spending centuries of doing the opposite, it was comfort I felt. It’s been way too long since anyone reassured me.

I loved you since you told me I’m also your reason to live. Despite our conversation ending quickly, your words lingered with me. They still do. And for the first time in a long time, I truly felt like I mattered.

I loved you since I saw how scared you were of saying you loved me. And I couldn’t blame you, I never said it either. And you can see how many times I’ve thought it. I guess I was scared too. 

I loved you. I love you.  
Emma, please come back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one kinda follows the outcome of the season premiere, I hope you like it.

Hey, beautiful. Don’t you remember how things were before we found ourselves here? Don’t you remember all the long talks we had, all the hugs and kisses and all those countless quiet moments when neither of us spoke a word but we still spoke enough? 

Hey, beautiful. Don’t you remember the way you used to say my name? Your voice low and soft, gaze focused and your smile wide and heartwarming. The entire universe could live off of it.

Hey, beautiful. Don’t you remember all the long walks we had gone to? Just the two of us, with your cheek nuzzled against my shoulder and your hand firmly gripping my arm. It’s one of the most beautiful and calming feelings I’ve experienced.

Hey, beautiful. Don’t you remember all the time we spent with your boy? All those dinners we had together, all the silly jokes we told and the days we spent out on my ship. Such a smart and wonderful lad he is. Unique. Just like you. If I could choose who to spend the rest of my life with, I’d pick the two of you.

Hey, beautiful. Don’t you remember what it’s like to be you? To be free of the dark desires that overwhelm you? To not be forced to fight with the intimidating voices in your head? To not be scared that you will destroy everything you touch? 

Hey, beautiful. Don’t you remember the time we said we’re going to choose to see the best in each other? Do you still mean it? Because I do; I always will. I know that there’s is still good to look for by the glimpse of light I see in all that darkness surrounding you. Small, it may be, but it’s there. .

Hey beautiful. Don’t you remember what we said? Together. For you I will do everything, despite what the risk may be. You are worth it. I am not giving up. I am never giving up.

Hey, beautiful. Don’t you forget how much I love you.


	5. Chapter 5

Even though you were terrified to love and would constantly distance yourself from the people who cared, fear overshadowing the desire to let go and simply be happy, you were enough.

Even though your smile that emittes a glow, unique and precious and soothing, was forced at times when you choked back tears, your heart screaming that it’s ok to stop running but you just couldn’t listen, you were enough.

Even though when you sometimes doubted yourself to be a good mother, the sparkle and pride and happiness in your boys’ eyes when he is with you was saying a completely different story that you firmly refused to acknowledge, you were enough. 

Even though your hands would tremble when you’d use your magic, fingers filled with sparks of insecurity and doubt, the little voices whispering that you’re doing it wrong, you were enough.

Even though you hesitated in allowing yourself to say that you love and to say that you care, denied it and walked away over and over again, the words you wanted to say replaced with poor excuses to leave, you were enough.

Even though you would sometimes lose a few of the constant battles you had with yourself, the times your lungs burned for air and your own skin felt wrong, the need to feel like someone else overwhelming you, you were enough. 

Even though you may think that now having more power makes you more powerful then the once lost girl who overcame her demons and found her family and love, you’re wrong; the person you were was enough.

Even though you were broken, you were enough.


	6. Instead of sleeping.

He first finds her awake next to him on the bed, fingers tangled in the thin cords of the dreamcatcher and her focus on nothing but the monotone movements of her hand. He just sits there, his hand on the small of her back and her name escaping his lips so quietly she doesn’t even notice him. Doesn’t even hear his voice. Not for a long while anyway.

Second time he finds her wrapped in her own thoughts during late hours was in the ball room. She was sitting alone, her legs folded beneath her as her fingers worked with the familiar pattern. He hesitated with approaching, thinking it’s best to give her space, but the urge to hold her close and make sure she is alright was a great enemy to what his head was saying. He walked away.

Next time he finds her is in front of Henry’s room, back leaned against the wall and her hands shaking with a dreamcatcher in them. But this time she wasn’t repeating the pattern. She wasn’t focused on the strings. Tears were pouring like heavy rain down her face and he didn’t bother asking why. He pulled her in his embrace and held her as close as he could. He could feel his heart slowly tearing to tiny pieces as each sob left the surface of her lips, her head leaned against his shoulder and tears pouring down the lapels of his coat was all he rememberred.

He could feel every second she was more and more distant from him. Every time she lost a bit of herself and tried to hide it, he could feel it. He was paralyzed by the situation, unable to help her, unable to do or say anything that could change things. He was forced to stand there and watch her fall apart.

Watching her sit alone, distracting herself with making magic objects was what hurt him the least. 

…because that’s what she does now instead of sleeping.


	7. Loving you.

She often remembers the tender look of his face when they parted. Her hand in his and his deep blue eyes focused on hers. He reaches inside his shirt, handing her a cold piece of metal that held the warmest meaning. His breath hitches before he states it will protect her, the same way it did him. Tells her to carry it as a reminder of their love - a reason to come back. 

The words are calming and reassuring. Nothing is falling apart around them. For a brief second she forgets about the demons in her head. She forgets about the pain in her heart. She forgets that nothing so far has gone well enough. She forgets that these soothing few moments are just temporary. She forgets about everything in the comfort of his touch. It’s just them that exist.

It lures a smile out of her, the brightest one in a long time. She remembers the look on his face when she told him she loved him before walking away with hope in her heart.

That’s when she realizes where they are now. The words echo in her head.

I loved you. 

I loved you. 

I loved you.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is actually one of the very last ones of this series, and im planning on starting a new one once 5B starts airing :)

there is an art in breaking hearts…

…and there was just something about his that the cruelty of that art adored - it was broken one time too many.

First time he clutches at his chest, nothing but numb pain overwhelming his body, was when he was a five year old lad. As young and strong as that little heart was, it couldn’t handle the realization that mom is now left alone to take care of her two boys.

Second time his world turns over, loud thrumping in his head getting louder with each passing second, was when all he had left worthy in life died in his arms. Sometimes, when he finds himself sitting on the ground, he half excpects Liam’s limp body to fall in his lap. Chills ghost over his skin each time, his body quiveres with longing and despair but he manages. Most of the time.

Third time his head becomes restless, and his chest an emptiness filled mess, is when Milah dies in his embrace. Nothing matters in that moment. The demon disappeares soon out of his sight, but he continues seeing him. He is always there, whispering his satisfaction from someplace far out of reach in his head. It taunts him for ages.   
(Still does)

Next time his heart hides crippled beneath his heavy bones is when Emma looks at him with tears in her eyes, saying her goodbye. I love you. She speaks softly. Every piece of him feels every letter escaping her mouth like a fiery touch on his ice cold skin. What kills him the most, is the split of second she takes to glance at him before his world turns black and she is gone.

Most recent time wasn’t when he found her only to lose her again. It wasn’t even when she spills her secret and he lashes out. It’s the quiet nights spent alone on his ship after that. It’s the monotonuos feeling in his chest where it’s hard not to feel the constant rage and despair. It’s longing interwined with self loathing. It’s fear mixed with fearlesness. It’s the chaos in his head and the strange calmness in his hands that used to shake with any given opportunity. It’s everything and it’s nothing, at the same time.   
He only knows one thing for certain - this would’ve been easier with her by his side.

But what was is that now he’s become another artist of the tragic masterpiece.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm finishing the series with this mini shot. I hope you liked it :)

There’s a memory of a heartbeat pounding calmly in her head. Always soothing and familiar in her presence. Soft chuckle tearing through the monotonous sound when he looks at her. Fingers toy with the blonde curls of her hair and he pulls her closer; hand cradling her head as he tenderly kisses her forhead. She allows her head to land against his chest, falling into the comfor of his touch. Smiling.

There’s a memory of a heartbeat echoing in her head. Troubled and nervous against the same mess that is hers. She struggles, tries her best, but so does he. It aches the deepest pieces of his soul, ripping through the barrier of a false smile he shows her. He watches her drifting with each second, trying his best to reassure and remind her of the strength she posseses. In those moments, she’s in control. Not the darkness, just her. Hand holding his. Firmly.

There’s a memory of a heartbeat thumping in her head. Loud and restless against the tips of her fingers. Her body quakes uncontrollably at the sight in front of her. She crashes her lips on his, lingering for as long is it’s possible. Hesitating, paralyzed and shaking, she’s unable to do what he begs. But then he looks at her, nodding and forcing a brief smile on his face and reassuring words from his lips.  _It’s ok_ , he speaks. Tears continue to stream violently down her face as she steps forward. The painful dent in his voice carves into her brain. Eternally.

There’s a memory of a heartbeat stopping in her head. Slowing and quenching gradually against her touch. He falls into her arms; hand reaching to caress her cheek in his last act of reassurement. Everything around them stills. She rips the blade from his body, and every cell in hers clenches. Her eyes widden, parts of her soul tearing to bits when she catches him again, both of them falling down. She clings to his body, desperately, hopeless. Her head falls and stays against his mute chest. There is no sound there to hear. There won’t be. Not anymore. They stay on the ground. His body calms beneath her. One last time.

There’s a memory.


End file.
